Forgiving the Fat Girl
As I journeyed down this road of recovering from food addiction, I encountered a lot of things I didn't expect. What I'm going to share with you is one of the things I'm still working through. It's fresh and it's hard. Shame is hard to shake. It shows up every single time I look at a picture from over a year ago. I see the fat girl. She seems to cry out every single time I look at her, "Save me." I feel the hot rush of embarrassment for what I looked like--what I had chosen. No one forced me to eat cookies. Or fries. Or cake. Or an extra spoonful of really anything. I chose that path. And I liked it. Well, at least I thought I liked it. What I thought I liked was eating what I wanted whenever I wanted. Having the comfort of sweet tingling my tongue when I just needed a little pick-me-up. Having the escape of the salty awakening of hot fries down my throat. What I didn't know was there was a better choice. What I really wanted was to be known. To be seen. to be loved for the fat girl I was. To feel beautiful not because I could fit into a single digit size pair of pants, but because I was beautiful.
I have been angry with the girl in those before pics. What was she thinking? Why couldn't she quit eating? What was wrong with her?
But here's what I know now.
She started all of this. She had the courage to move forward one step at a time. Even when she couldn't see victory, she chose to be brave.
And God created her to be beautiful--fearfully and wonderfully made. and that's exactly how He saw her.
I also know she had some hardship in her life. She struggled with infertility and loss. She battled perfectionism and lost most days. With Jesus, she conquered some demons and was still standing.
Maybe that's where you are today. Maybe you need to find grace for your current self. Maybe you need to pour grace over who you were.
As you are, you are loved. You are seen by the Creator of the universe. Your choices with food do not affect the way God loves you or forgives you. If you are in Christ, that is settled. And sealed. You are seated.
That fat girl in the picture? She was seated too. I didn't earn a seat because I lost 75 pounds. And you know what? I didn't even trade in my seat for a better one. I am in the same seat I've always been sitting in.
My vision is just a little less clouded. and shame doesn't get to be my seat mate as often. Because I'm not numbing the pain, I get to experience real joy.
Here's what else I know. That girl in the before picture? She is a masterpiece. Ephesians 2:10 tells me so. It says, "For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things He planned for us long ago."
She's a masterpiece.
And so are you.
Let's find some grace today for the "before" us. That person is courageous and brave and signed up for this challenge! Walk in the grace, love, and forgiveness that Jesus has already given you. One step at a time.
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